Sunday mornings were always the same in China: people filled silently into a room, locked doors behind them, and some were patrolling the hallway. Occasionally, there would be a police raid, and people would be taken away. I watched people fight for a belief that could ruin their reputation, their family, and their future. Why would anyone, much less successful people who had everything to lose, be so willing to give up their life for this? The Bible, hymns, and a God we can never really see – what about this was worth sacrificing for?
On weekdays, I would learn about evolution and the chemical makeup of the universe; on weekends, I would learn about God: the creator of the universe, the origin of all things. Gradually, it became science or God. So, I made a choice: I stopped attending church, reading the Bible, or sharing my faith. When I attended church services, I watched from afar; I could not understand how songs could make someone so emotional or a sermon to endless reflections.
But that did not stop me from the wishful hoping that God was real. I wanted to believe that he was not just a character in Bible stories, a persona in parables; I did not want him to be false because my moral foundation would be devastated.
I started searching for assurance in the Bible, but my questions led to even more questions, leading me to wrestle with scripture.
Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”
Why is it so hard to find Him? Am I not good enough to be a Christian? Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
But God, why can’t I feel that love? Why can’t I hear your voice? John 10:27, “My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.”
Lord, if you are so almighty, why don’t I believe in you? Mark 9:24b, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
College came around, and I had yet to hear from God. I left for America, praying for answers. I went to church on Sundays and sought a Christian community. But what I found were the average social communities. It was here that I began to remember my life in China.
I kept remembering the locked rooms, the silent chorus, the weeping prayers, the police raids. I could not stop thinking about people who placed their lives on the line for their faith. Were we worshipping the same God? Suddenly, I wished I had taken my fellow Christians in China more seriously. And I wish I had a new chance to express my admiration for their strong faith, their drive to share their experience, and their love for each other as members in the body of Christ.
Looking back, God has been calling me—the rest amidst sleepless nights and the persistence during difficult times. While I doubted and sought distance from my community, God was there for me all along.
So now, I have committed myself to learning more about the God that I’ve always heard about, the God that has challenged my understanding of this world, and the God that has brought me to the Midwest. So, I look forward to challenging my beliefs, sharing my story, and learning more about others as they learn about mine. I think there is great insight in learning from the ways that others have experienced the supernatural world, and I hope to continue this interfaith dialogue with many others.